Timileyin Okunlola Writes Through Pain That Cannot Be Undone

Herein, Timileyin Okunlola discusses her poem, “Straits“

Your poem “Straits…” powerfully describes a sudden and life-changing loss. What inspired you to write about this specific kind of experience?

Dealing with the vacuum left after the demise of my Mum.

The poem uses strong images, like crutches and an amputated limb, to show what the person is going through. Why did you choose these particular images to tell your story?

I chose them because they spoke to the experience I wanted to capture. Vacuum. When someone is amputated, that void is always there, a reminder of what was lost or brutally taken away. Sometimes, they try to live as before, but the cruel reality stares them in the face, reminding them of what was but sadly wouldn’t be again.

And just like the numbness amputation brings, I’ve also been quite numb for a long time. Like the person with a leg and a stump, the void is there, staring at you, but there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s just there and you, you’re also there…. 

The poem talks about different stages, from feeling blank to feeling deep pain and longing. Can you tell us more about the emotional journey you wanted to show in the poem?

Emotional journey… Quite frankly, grief is never the same for everyone, and quite surprisingly, a person can experience grief in different ways at different times. Straits.. was just my way of capturing what I felt, of reminding myself of how well I can still articulate my thoughts…

The day my mom died, I was numb. Very blank. For the first few hours, I didn’t cry. I didn’t bulge. Didn’t do anything. I was just busy making arrangements and informing everyone. I only cried briefly later in the day when I saw my Grandma because at that point, I felt more for my Grandma than anyone else. After leaving her place, I was blank for weeks. I’ll lie in bed just tossing and turning. 

A couple of months after the incident, I had a sort of “dream” where a scenario of my mum being sick played out. It was like one of those scenes during a particular year, when she was so sick. I woke up with much trepidation, and for like 3-5 minutes, I was seriously praying in my dialect, “God, please don’t let my Mummy Die”. After that, I came to myself and had to remind myself that the prayer was a waste, and it was probably my mind playing tricks on me because a dead person cannot die again.

So for months after her demise, I juggled these emotions. One minute, I’m resigned, the next I want to bawl my eyes out, and just the next, I want to be numb. Other days, I’m nostalgic or just indulging in wishful thinking. As I stated earlier, we cope with grief differently at different times. From being unable to fathom this to actually confronting it, this has been quite an experience. One that reinforces that you can never know grief enough.

Poetry can be a way to understand difficult feelings. How does writing poetry, especially a piece as personal as “Straits…”, help you process or express your thoughts and emotions?

Writing this piece pulled me out of the rut I was in. With each revision, I could better streamline my thoughts and place a finger on how I feel.

The end of the poem suggests learning to live with a new reality. What message do you hope readers take away about facing tough changes in life?

Some things are irreversible, but one thing that remains flexible is your disposition. When you cannot alter what has been done, you make the most of what you have left and continue to thrive.